I have a little gnome that marches around my head whenever I leap into a creative endeavor – whether it be writing and performing, or figuring out how to cut my child’s sandwich into interesting enough shapes that he won’t notice the shredded zucchini I mixed into the peanut butter. And that gnome is the gnome of Self-Doubt. I like to call him: (Dun, Dun, Dun!) Darkspume. The Gnome of Despair that Plays the Bagpipes of Dooooom.
Yeah, I know. It’s a bit melodramatic. But I like to embrace my gnomes. Give them names. Feed them croissants. Make pets out of them. It’s a co-dependency thing and I’m working to stop it. But my gnomes like to do their time before I send them away, and who am I to stop them?
I’m the chick in charge, that’s who I am. Self-doubt runs entirely on the gasoline (or croissant) of me comparing myself to others. Is the other person the standard? Am I good enough? Is my writing (singing, dancing, peanut-buttering) as inspiring, deep, moving, funny as theirs? Is it? Maybe it’s not. Or, hey, maybe it is. Maybe my zucchini is shinier, greener, and of a finer shred than theirs. Or not.
And in the end, all of that spume-y self-doubt just keeps me from being able to:
a) a) create with joy and freedom
b) b) enjoy the creations of others
c) c) and who wants that?
Which brings me to my personal reason for participating in this blog. I want to sit amidst the writing talent of my friends and the comments of their friends and just enjoy it. I want to follow suggestions and links into other peoples’ spheres of creativity and watch and learn. I’d like to contribute in a nice healthy way, and in the process take Darkspume’s Bagpipes of Doom, wrap them around his scrawny throat, and stuff the whole wad of despair into a blast of creative sunshine that will make him sing “It’s a Small World After All.” With a Scottish accent.
So if you’re game to hang out with me (and my friends) and go through the process of de-gnoming my writing and living garden, I’m game to have you. I hope you like peanut-butter-zucchini sandwiches.