Dear St. Valentine,
I'm writing this letter with a Valentine's Day-themed TV movie playing in the background. The only three-dimensional character is Jennifer Love Hewitt's freakishly long false eyelashes. (Don't get too close to the screen - those things'll put your eye out.)(Okay, maybe not the only three-dimensional character. Betty White is always adorable.) This has only solidified my opinion of you, St. Valentine.
You're super lame.
I could go on about my theory that your holiday is really a nefarious conspiracy between the candy, flower, greeting card and jewelry industries to rip off the American public . . . But I wouldn't want anyone to think me bitter. Instead, I'll talk about your less-warm-and-fuzzy counterpart, St. Dwynwen. If you've read this blog before, Valentine, you may have guessed that I'm a tiny bit obsessed with all things Welsh. Dydd Santes Dwynwen, or St. Dwynwen's Day, is all about the patron saint of Welsh lovers. Side note: she's also the patron saint of sick animals, which is just fine with me.
Dwynwen was one of King Brychan Brycheiniog's (say that five times fast) twenty-four daughters. She fell hard for a guy called Maelon Dafrodil, but for some reason (the stories differ) it didn't work out. Personally, I think she realized she could never respect a man with a name that sounded like "daffodil." After they broke up, she fled to the woods, where she prayed to forget her daffodil prince. An angel appeared to her with a magic potion that - get ready, ladies - turned Maelon into ice when Dwynwen drank it. Poetic, no?
Know what else I like about love in Wales? The spoons.
Behold, my meager stash of Welsh love spoons. The one on the right is carved from lime wood. I bought it at the National Eisteddfod last summer. (Ooh, I bet you'd like to know just what in the world eisteddfod means, right? That's another post for another day, but if you can't possibly contain yourself until then, try googling it.)
Sooooo, I think we've established that I'm not much for your standard tokens of affection, i.e. flowers, etc. But if anyone happens to be curious about how to win me over, I'd like to build up my love spoon collection. Just sayin.' Or, you know, chocolate is always good.
To show you there's no hard feelings, I'm including one sappy love song that I actually like:
Yours in reluctant tolerance,
Maegan, Gnome Slayer Extraordinaire