Friday, April 15, 2011
Sheesh! I'm Just Glad This Wasn't ME!
Do you remember that one time when everything you said came out exactly backwards from what you meant, and you found out that your husband's favorite meal has been an exercise in discipline for him for the past zillion years because guess what--he hates soup and he was just being polite, and that witty comment you left on that one sort of famous person's blog was totally misunderstood and it made you look like a wench and the thing was, it was not misunderstood, you just wrote it badly, which means that if you ever become a famous writer someone will dig that up and out you on whatever equivalent of the Oprah show exists at that time, and then you'll end up not being able to pay for your kid's college education because no one will sell your books now--on top of which you forgot your best friend's birthday for like the 8th time in a row, which would be understandable given that you haven't lived near each other for years, except that it's not understandable?
But maybe you remember that time when you found out you can't trust chocolate chip cookies anymore because somebody might have stuffed them with marijuana and you've already had one bad experience with flambéed Bananas Foster whose alcohol didn't actually burn off in the flambéing process and so you got a little drunk for the first time in your life and you were an adult who doesn't drink because you were raised that way and once you became an adult you figured why start, except now you know--after the Bananas Foster incident--that probably cough syrup will put you under the table so you'd really better never drink, and all the people you used to work with sort of snort behind their hand whenever they see you at the grocery store, and besides all of that your workout shirt had shrunk in the laundry the last time you wore it to the gym and you didn't realize it until you looked down during your torture on the treadmill and your stretch marks were hanging out for all the world to see?
Yeah. Me neither too.
And then there was that one time when you were driving by a local high school's marching band which was out practicing and it had been raining and there were puddles everywhere but you were deep in thought and failed to calculate your speed versus the size of the puddle in front of you against your proximity to the woodwind section and when you hit that puddle you made an aquatic rooster-tail of such proportion that the woodwinds nearly drowned and probably had to spend the rest of the week drying out their reeds (and their clothes) but you didn't realize it until you heard their collective shriek, and though you wanted to you couldn't go back to apologize because they looked mad and there were more of them than you and they were all holding pointy woodwind instruments and you had many body orifices in which said instruments might fit nicely and you would rather just go to a book store and get a scone and hot chocolate and read People magazine instead? Do you remember that one time?
Me too. You wanna go see a movie? I need a dark place to hide with someone who still likes me and doesn't own any musical instruments. And if you don't mind, no chocolate chips either.