Friday, April 15, 2011

Sheesh! I'm Just Glad This Wasn't ME!

Do you remember that one time when everything you said came out exactly backwards from what you meant, and you found out that your husband's favorite meal has been an exercise in discipline for him for the past zillion years because guess what--he hates soup and he was just being polite, and that witty comment you left on that one sort of famous person's blog was totally misunderstood and it made you look like a wench and the thing was, it was not misunderstood, you just wrote it badly, which means that if you ever become a famous writer someone will dig that up and out you on whatever equivalent of the Oprah show exists at that time, and then you'll end up not being able to pay for your kid's college education because no one will sell your books now--on top of which you forgot your best friend's birthday for like the 8th time in a row, which would be understandable given that you haven't lived near each other for years, except that it's not understandable?

Me neither.

But maybe you remember that time when you found out you can't trust chocolate chip cookies anymore because somebody might have stuffed them with marijuana and you've already had one bad experience with flambĂ©ed Bananas Foster whose alcohol didn't actually burn off in the flambĂ©ing process and so you got a little drunk for the first time in your life and you were an adult who doesn't drink because you were raised that way and once you became an adult you figured why start, except now you know--after the Bananas Foster incident--that probably cough syrup will put you under the table so you'd really better never drink, and all the people you used to work with sort of snort behind their hand whenever they see you at the grocery store, and besides all of that your workout shirt had shrunk in the laundry the last time you wore it to the gym and you didn't realize it until you looked down during your torture on the treadmill and your stretch marks were hanging out for all the world to see?

Yeah. Me neither too.

And then there was that one time when you were driving by a local high school's marching band which was out practicing and it had been raining and there were puddles everywhere but you were deep in thought and failed to calculate your speed versus the size of the puddle in front of you against your proximity to the woodwind section and when you hit that puddle you made an aquatic rooster-tail of such proportion that the woodwinds nearly drowned and probably had to spend the rest of the week drying out their reeds (and their clothes) but you didn't realize it until you heard their collective shriek, and though you wanted to you couldn't go back to apologize because they looked mad and there were more of them than you and they were all holding pointy woodwind instruments and you had many body orifices in which said instruments might fit nicely and you would rather just go to a book store and get a scone and hot chocolate and read People magazine instead? Do you remember that one time? 

Me too. You wanna go see a movie? I need a dark place to hide with someone who still likes me and doesn't own any musical instruments. And if you don't mind, no chocolate chips either.


Sara B. Larson said...

Oh dear, I've definitely had those days. Sort of. Not exactly, but you know what I mean. Except now I'm dying to know what comment you left on which blog! ;) At least you can give us a good laugh on this cold friday morning and know we all have awesome personal moments like these. <3

Janiel Miller said...

Let's just say the first name of the person on whose blog I left the idiotic comment rhymes with "Cave," and his last name rhymes with "Hairy." And he has a national humor column. And I won't be sharing the comment, and you'll never find it. HAHAHAHA! Also, it was more of a comment on someone else's comment, and I think I insulted them by accident. Awe. Some.

Maegan Langer said...

Oh yeah, I totally get this. For example, I have NEVER clogged my boss's toilet, or almost mailed out a hundred bills without stamping a single one, or thrown my books in a million different directions when I slipped and fell on the slushy linoleum while walking into school with my almost-but-not-quite boyfriend, or tripped over my dog while jogging in front of a bunch of people, or lost control of my intestinal functions in the middle of a dead-silent yoga class. Nope. Not me. None of these things happened to me.

Robin said...

Right! And I've never asked the dudes who came to clean out our septic system whether it smelled healthy or not. You should have seen the look on his face. Oh, wait. I never did that so you'll just have to imagine what he might have looked like.

Total Crazy Aunt Sally moment.

Self Sagacity said...

What a great post. I enjoyed that very much, thanks for bringing smiles to my face.

Janiel Miller said...

Thank you, Self-Sagacity! Glad you enjoyed it. Luckily, I've never done any of these things, and neither have Maegan or Robin. And I'd imagine you never have either. So probably there is nothing here to smile about. So sorry.

Romina Garcia said...

Haha!! I would go and see a movie with you anyday of the week. I think imperfection is simply a perfect trait in someone :-)

Fi said...

Great post.

I enjoy reading your blog posts and have awarded you The Versatile Blogger award.

The Crypto-Capers Series said...

Great posts! I love how you have eggs raining down on your blog. Before it was shamrocks. So cool. To answer your question I am a reviewer for The New York Journal of Books so I get tons of books to review from publishers through there, but I also have various publishers and authors who contact me individually to review their books as well. I am also a host for some book tours so I get a good plethora to choose from. I have posted a few of my favorites like Red Rock Run. My children loved that one and so do I. I review books based off their merits and what it has to offer readers. I dig deep into the book and find the meaning the reader is trying to convey.
I will rarely-rarely ever slam a book. I will always give my honest opinion. Just because I may personally not like a book doesn't mean that someone else won't, so I keep that into consideration when reviewing it and you can always tell that in my reviews too. I think of the audience the book was meant for and the uses they can get out of it. I look at the book from different angles. Hope this helps in my book choices to review.
Thanks for stopping by and asking the question, you always have such great info on your blog.

Janiel Miller said...

Thanks so much you guys! Romina, honey, I'd love to go see a movie with you. I think you'd be a crack-up. Your blog is a riot.

Russo said...

I hate those days- and trust me, they always happen with me. I love that you always state life as it is- I have gotta try that more. You're incredible, Janiel.

1 Funky Woman said...

Awesome and I've never sat in my son's band concert saying did you see his strap on quite loudly, referring to his bariton sax and how heavy it is so it needs to be strapped to his back!

No I never did!