Friday, April 22, 2011

Vampires Don't Fart.

Have you noticed this? It's true. 

Also, werewolves don't belch, fairies don't snort, and shape-shifters don't chew with their mouths open.

Maegan, Russo, and I had this conversation over lunch a few days ago. It's quite a phenomenon (vampires not farting, that is, not the fact that we had this conversation. Our chat-sessions regularly veer between Mozart, religion, awesome movies, writing challenges, and which of us accidentally experienced a gaseous emission in front if what hideously dignified person).

(By the way, before I proceed any further and throw myself off the pedestal of refinement I know at least none of you have me on, I was not allowed to say "fart" as a child, so I feel very liberated right now.)

Anyway, I think I've had enough of the whole Perfect Vampire/Werewolf/Bad-Boy-Fallen-Angel/Annoyingly-Attractive-Fey love interests that populate Young Adult literature right now. They're so not realistic. I mean, who wants to date a guy who can't even say "Pull my finger," with any integrity?

Technically, I guess it makes sense. I mean, Vampires have no body fluids, right? Which leads to all kinds of questions that I will not be addressing here. All I'm saying is this: If my boyfriend , I mean husband--I'm married--were a vampire, I'd want him to be able to rip a good one. I mean, he'd have to go elsewhere to do it; certainly not in my presence. But I'd want to know that he isn't so far above me that he doesn't even make any ridiculous noises--with his armpit, or otherwise. I don't think I can be married to someone who can't hiccup, belch, snore, or anything else, with the best of them.

Can you imagine snuggling in the sofa with your fanged honey-bumpkin, the two of you gazing into a romantically crackling fire in the fireplace, and having to stress about whether or not your double chimichanga with extra guacamole and pico is going to repeat on you? Because, for heaven's sake, you don't want Mr. Perfect Guts there to think you're human or anything.

Women get enough of this when they go into the restroom together. You men ought to see the contests of self-control that go on in there to make sure no one who happens to be within earshot thinks our digestive tracts actually function like they're supposed to.

So, I say enough! Enough already of the paranormal paramours whose palpitations perch in a personage of perfect percolations. Bring on the raggedy dudes who don't mind if my hiccups shatter the sound barrier, because their vapors could compete with Iceland's Eyjafjallajökull volcano. I mean, I want him to have manners, right? But I want him to be just as big a dork as I am. I can't compete with glittery perfection, and I don't want to.

So to all of you writers out there, YA or otherwise, I issue a challenge: let's make like Pinnochio and create a real boy for our readers to dream about. It might be nice for the opposite sex to feel like they can compete once in awhile. And besides, a little humanity in the characters we read about is what makes them compelling.


Anonymous said...

Ack! I'm not grossed out by much, okay, anything. Not even a fart. But I'll say this- I don't like anything or one who smells bad. Can't stand a stinky man. In fact, I just threw up a little bit thinking about this. No. My husband, also the Master Vampire for the New England Territory had better not fart. Eva. www.evaprim.com

Robin said...

Oh. Yeah!


Sabina@Slipstitches and More said...

Good read and good point. Lol we were never allowed to say 'fart' either when we were coming up. We had to quietly say 'passed wind' and I don't know why but that was so instilled in me that until recent years I would say the word fart discretely as if it were a bad 4 letter word smh.

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Janiel Miller said...

Okay, Eva. I have to agree. I don't literally want El Stinko for a husband. I just want him to be real. Sorry to have made you ill. :) Thanks for reading!

jenna said...

Now, you know if old Eddie did fart is would smell heavenly and actually draw you in...

Donna Banta said...

I agree Janiel. While I love reading -- and writing -- fiction, I find my willing suspension of disbelief is somewhat selective. For example, I can buy into the whole vampire notion, but not the "no farting" one. Too much of a stretch.

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Sara B. Larson said...

Oh my heavens, you want characters to FART? (also a word I wasn't allowed to say as a child either.) I'm all for real characters, but I don't need them to fart to feel real. ;) You crack me up.

Maegan Langer said...

Well, I know I certainly haven't farted since Jenna photoshopped me into a vampire.

Romina Garcia said...

I could never be a vampire.
First and foremost it's the whole drinking blood thing.
Second of all, I look better with a tan. Pale is not my colour.
Thirdly I fart. Alot. All pregnancy related of course ;-)

1 Funky Woman said...

Love this! Especially when you said pull my finger. My 11 year old asked me to pull his arm last night which I thought was because he needed to stretch but no, he wanted to let me know how well he could fart!

Funny how no characters in books fart, and I'm sure there has to be some guy movie where they do but I can't even think. But I agree if Eddie did fart it would smell like roses!

Maybe thats why I never liked the guy!

I don't remember if I could say it or not when I was a kid but I have without even thinking have my kids say toot! Who am I?