Folks! Have I got a deal for you! Today only--but also tomorrow. And the next day. And also the next one. And so on--But Today Only, I am offering you TWO--not one but TWO--Gnomes for the price of ONE!
That's right ladies and gents, if you act now and call the number on your screen (Just pick one. Any number will do), you can be the proud owner of both the Gnome of Self-Doubt AND the Gnome of Procrastination-Born-of-Generalized-Poutyness-Over-Things-Not-Being-As-Easy-As-You-Thought-They-Would-Be! Yes, we know. You're overwhelmed at our generosity. But my dear people, that is how we here at Angus Darkspume (Gnome of Despair) & Sons wives, daughters, friends, barnacles, small animals, &tc. operate! We stick you with TWO, when all you want is ONE. Or really NONE!
And if that weren't enough, these gnomes are easy to access. Once you've paid the small fee of your self-esteem (plus a bit of self-respect and confidence), all you have to do is grab hold of Self-Doubt and Procrastination, and wuhBAM! They're on board. It's as easy as that. No complicated installation. No annoying forms to fill out. No due-diligence whatsoever. Just reach over and grab hold and these little babies are yours for life!
Well, dear people, dry your tears of gratitude, for there is more. If you act now, not only will you receive these Gnomes ALMOST BUT NOT QUITE FREE OF CHARGE, but we will enroll you in Doctor Spume-y's "How I Could Have Been A Published Author Like JK Rowling Except No One Believed In Me, But I'm Not Bitter" course. This course is designed to speed you on your road to despair by teaching things like:
--How to place your self-esteem entirely in external things (how you look, how people respond to things you create, such as a manuscript, a painting, your cooking, whether or not you married a doctor, whether your kids are nobel peace prize laureates, that sort of thing), rather than being nice, trying hard, and loving other people.
--How to put more stock in the feedback of others than on how well you are doing with your own goals.
--How to get mad that things didn't happen the way you expected, AND how to throw a spectacular tantrum, thus bringing to a halt whatever it is that you are trying to do or produce. YOU'LL SHOW THEM!
--How to surf the internet endlessly instead of being productive. We'll even show you how to bring up your internet-surfing stamina by stuffing yourself with sugar and caffeinated beverages to stay awake (which of course has the added bonus of dipping your self-esteem to newer lows as you realize what a pathetic lack of self-control you have!)
Yes folks. Buy into what Angus Darkspume (Gnome of Despair) & Sons wives, daughters, friends, barnacles, small animals, &tc. have to offer and your life will never be the same.
(Void where prohibited, and in the presence of perseverance and self-acceptance.)
(Warning: Not using Angus Darkspume (gnome of blah blah)'s product may cause giddiness, clear vision, peace, swooning, a desire to exercise, cravings for leafy greens, sudden inability to avoid social situations, laughter, uncontrollable joy, blindness to all things negative, increased productivity, and generalized paroxysms of delight.)
Brought to you by the Untied Front of Gnome World Domination. We mean United! UNITED! (stupid computer)