Cast of Characters:
Noomi Rapace - Resident Strong Female Lead, sans Dragon Tattoo
Unknown Actor - Noomi's Handsome Archaeologist Boyfriend
David - Resident Creepy Android
Charlize Theron - Resident Corporate Ice Queen
Ship's Captain - Idris Elba with a southern accent
Weyland - Guy Pearce in Really Old Dude make-up
Nameless Throwaway Scientist People
Giant Albino Bodybuilder - An alien
Tentacles - Also an alien
Special appearance by the Alien from Alien
Noomi and Unknown Actor - Hey everybody! Look what we found: all these ancient Earth civilizations that couldn't possibly have had any contact with each other drew the same pictograph of a tall guy pointing to six circles in the sky. Since this device has never been used in a movie before, it must be a map to a far-away planet.
Noomi - I know, let's go check it out!
Unknown Actor - Great idea, babe! What could possibly go wrong?
David - I may not have human emotions, but I still think that Unknown Actor guy is kind of a tool. Let's see what happens when I put this itty bitty drop of goo from the alien spaceship in his drink . . .
Noomi - Honey, are feeling okay? Your your eyes are all bloodshot.
Unknown Actor - Eh. Must've poked myself in the eye. Come on, we've got an alien spaceship to explore!
Noomi - Um, sweetheart? Your skin's starting to bubble off of your face. Are you sure you weren't infected by that black sludge that was crawling all over the alien ship?
Unknown Actor - What, that? Nah, just a flesh wound.
Charlize - Oh, ewwwww! His skin is totally bubbling off of his face!! He's gonna infect us all! Stay back from our spaceship, dude, lest I roast your butt with my flamethrower!
Unknown Actor - You know, she's got a point. I'm probably infected with some funky alien parasite. Suicide by flamethrower is my only option now. Knock yourself out, Charlize! P.S. Love you, Noomi! *dies*
David - I know this is probably a bad time, since your boyfriend just got flamed to death and all, but I have more bad news for you, Dragon Tattoo. You're pregnant.
Noomi - O_o
David - Also, your baby is an alien.
Noomi - Whaaaa? How can that be? Not ten minutes ago, the writers made a Really Big Deal about the fact that I can't have children . . . Huh. I'll be damned. I'm totally pregnant with an alien baby. Get it out, now!
David - Bad idea. Let's put you in stasis and take you back to Earth, where your miracle alien baby can wreak all kinds of havoc. Because that's what we always try to do in these Alien movies.
Filmmakers - FYI, this movie is not an Alien prequel.
Noomi - You know what, David? I don't need your help. I'll get it out myself with this handy futuristic, automatic surgery pod-thingy that the writers made a Really Big Deal to point out at the beginning of the movie. Plus, I need an excuse to run around in my underwear like Sigourney Weaver did in Alien.
Filmmakers - This is not an Alien movie!
Noomi - *brushes own blood off hands* Whew! So glad that's over with! I should probably go lie down now, because giving yourself a freaking alien C-section can really knock the wind out of you - beat that, Bella Swann! But look! Dark and Not-At-All-Obvious Ulterior Motives are about to be revealed. Maybe I'll go sit in on that instead . . . Weyland! What are you doing here?? We all thought you died right after you forked over a gazillion dollars to fund this expedition!
Weyland - Nope. I've been here on the ship the whole time. I'm pretty sure these aliens have the secret to eternal life or something, even though everyone who comes in contact with them dies a horrible and gruesome death. Can't you tell I'm desperate to prolong my life by all this Really Old Dude make-up I'm wearing? Also, Charlize, I am your father.
David - You're in luck, Sir. There's still one alien alive. I found it when I was snooping around on the alien ship by myself earlier.
Weyland - Splendid! Lead the way.
Noomi - This is a very bad idea. Every person who comes in contact with these aliens dies a horrible and gruesome death. Nevertheless, I'm coming too because I'm a scientist and I must know all the answers!
David - We come in peace-
Giant Albino Bodybuilder - HULK SMASH!!
Nameless Throwaway Scientist People - OMFG RUN AWAY NOW! *dies*
David's Head - (now disembodied) Oh, dear. I certainly didn't see this coming.
Audience - We saw it coming.
David's Head - Have I mentioned that we've basically stumbled upon a super-secret stash of alien bio weapons and their next stop is Earth?
Noomi - Captain, the aliens are getting ready to leave, which never would've happened if we hadn't come here and woken them up, which makes one wonder why they left us a map to their super-secret stash of alien bio weapons in the first place . . . Anyway, they're going to attack Earth! You have to stop them by ramming your ship into theirs in a glorious act of self-sacrifice!
Charlize - WTF??? I'm outta here!
Ship's Captain - I'm on it. *dies*
Charlize - Must . . . reach . . . crashed . . . lifepod . . . *crushed by falling alien ship* *dies lamely*
Noomi - Must . . . reach . . . crashed . . . lifepod . . .
David's Head (on intercom) - Look sharp, Dragon Tattoo. Albino Bodybuilder survived the crash, and he's on his way over to mess you up!
Noomi - Seriously? Now what am I supposed to do? Oh, hey - how about that. My alien spawn that I thought I killed is still alive! Except now it's more like the size of a small pachyderm. With tentacles. It was hiding in the lifepod this whole time and NOBODY noticed!
Albino Bodybuilder - MUST KILL PUNY HUMAN!
Noomi - Albino, meet Tentacles. Tentacles, meet Albino.
Tentacles - HULK SMASH!! PUNY ALBINO!
Albino Bodybuilder - WHOA! DID NOT SEE COMING! *dies*
Audience - Saw it coming.
Noomi - Oh, what a world! I'm so sorry, Unknown Actor, for dragging you all the way out here just so you could die a horrible and gruesome death! What do I do now? WHAT. DOES. IT. ALL. MEAN???
David's Head - Yo, Dragon Tattoo. You still there?
Noomi - Do you mind? I'm kind of railing at the Universe here.
David's Head - Guess what? There are more alien ships here. I can get us off this planet, but I'll be needing your help, since I no longer have a body.
Noomi - Oh, why not? I just survived a do-it-yourself C-section and an alien attack. I'm up for anything at this point. Plus I only have 32 seconds of air left in my space suit.
David's Head - Whatever. Just hurry. I may not have human emotions, but it still gets lonely in this big, empty, crashed alien spaceship that looks suspiciously like the one they found in Alien.
Filmmakers - For the last time, this is NOT an Alien prequel!!
Alien from Alien: *emerges from combined gooey remnants of Albino and Tentacles* I'm ready for my close-up! Which camera do I look into? Great. *singing and dancing* Hello my baby, hello my darling, hello my ragtime gal . . .