You know what I wish I'd named this post? "Maegan Langer and the Butt Crack of Doom."
Yep. I think that pretty much wins the POST TITLE OF THE YEAR award. Along with all of Russo's that begin with: "I Embarrassed Myself..."
There is, I have discovered, an art to titling things. "Butt Crack of Doom" is far more interesting and evocative than, say, "My Friend And I totally Screamed at a Haunted House." Or "Going Through Big Spongey Things That Remind Me Of Unmentionable Body Parts that My Mom Would Be Horrified If She Knew I Said Them On My Blog. Wait. That's Janiel's Mom. My Mom Would Think It Was Funny. Never Mind."
Yeah. Much better.
And frankly, anything with the words "Panic Attack," "Hair Extensions," "Vomit," or "Ex-Boyfriend" in the title is an automatic viral post. Because who doesn't want to read about those things? Happening to someone else? Like Russo?
You've definitely got to think about marketing, brand appeal, and shock value when you name something, otherwise people will simply not be hooked, and won't come back for more. It's something Maegan and Russo do brilliantly, and that I am desperate for.
Which is why I've done exhaustive research. And have managed, through said research, to accurately predict, within a margin of about .03xy, the titles of my two pals' most successful future blog posts. I have done so using an algorithm based upon the anatomy of their past post titles. And since you're all my best friend, I'm going to share it with you:
The Algorithm of Maegan And Russo's Past Post Titles:
Z over 5, where Z represents Maegs' and Russe's least boring titles and 5 represents...er...5, multiplied by the number of modifiers they've dangled, divided by the number of letters in their names, and squared to the power of frozen yogurt. With mochi.
Using this modicum of mathematical magic I have discovered not only the titles my gnomies will use in the future, but those which will be wildly successful and lead to major book deals with minor publishers. And because I'm nice this way, I'm going to share them with you. Who knows? Maybe you can use them to get a publishing deal yourself.
Voilá, The List of Future Blockbuster Titles. Copy at will:
- In Which The Welsh Date a Girl Who Guides Cats
- Prometheus: On Mars Nobody Can Hear Your Daddy
- My Hair Extensions Kicked Ballet In A Burger Joint
- A Gigantic Branch In a Skunk Frazzled by Judy Garland
- Ylddffyffdyd Sllrpprpdyy Fwy llr Bob.
- Emma Frost's Devil Raven Posterity
- Katie Laurie Perry Anne Maria Gibson Sharipova Vomit
- Ugg Roadblock Alert
And there you have it. I'm exhausted.
I kind of feel like I deserve a Pulitzer.
Or at least a title.