See the dude on the right? He has more bla bla bla's than the dude on the left. I can totally relate to that.
Does that make me bad? I used to think so. Did NOT like how much I talked. Worried about my hyper brain making all these whackadoo connections that I was so dying to share with someone. Stressed that I cannot tell a tale without waving my arms about and tourettes-ing my face and voice beyond all recognition.
So I worked on it. Tried to pull back. Felt like I made progress. And then I started writing.
Ack. ACK. I can't write normal. I can't not be a spaz when I write. AND I can't not care if someone isn't reading it. Especially that. I care a lot if someone is reading. And enjoying. And possibly even commenting.
Oh. My. Gosh. It's clinical. I'M A WRITING NARCISSIST! I mean, pure writers don't do that, right? My Gnomies don't do that. Seriously. These two chickiewickies write for the pure joy of writing. They don't die if no one reads or comments. They don't feel all sad inside. They just want to improve their craft. They're freaking healthy. I want to smack them.
Well, I was on the verge of checking myself into an Audienc-aholic Detox center, when my sister-in-law came over and had a chat with me. She asked how I feel when I don't get audience feedback. Is it important to me? Do I feel all woebegone if I don't know that people (or even person) are reading my words and maybe getting something out of them? Or am I happy to write just to be writing.
Pretty sure you know the resounding answer to that.
"Well," she said, in a rough summation of what she actually said, because it was a few days ago and I can't really remember correctly because I've been super busy and have Hashimoto's and adrenal fatigue and isn't that a handy excuse? "Well then. You're a performer who writes. Not a writer who writes. You love audiences. You love the connection and the bonding you get with your audience. You love to know you've made them laugh and smile and think and feel better. When you write you want that too. It's just a different writing personality, that's all."
So I'm not mentally and morally deficient? I'm not self-absorbed? (Well, not completely.) I'm not obnoxious? OKAY, OKAY, LETS NOT PUSH IT A'IGHT?
You know, sometimes, even though you can't really do anything to change a thing, it really helps to know what that thing is. Makes it easier to deal with. You know, like that old saying: "The devil you know is better than the devil you don't." Or something like that.
So, dearest darlings. Know that I write because I love you. And I want to bring joy to you. Laced with spazziness. And I'll try not to weep if no one reads it. And I'll rejoice if even one person does, and hope that it made their life a little brighter. And I'll embrace that part of me. While totally recommending -- from this new and wondrous place of wisdom in which I now reside -- that you do the same thing with your own self. Figure out why you do things, and embrace it rather than reject it. Leverage it for good and happiness for yourself and others. Figure out how it brings joy and be cool with that. Not saying we can't change, but we can change from a place of positiveness. And maybe who we are is great enough, and it doesn't need to change at all. Just be accepted.
Right. That's my nugget for today. I'll try to chat at you again sometime this week, since it's my week and I'm the boss of it.
Have a great one, my friends!
(all artwork by hikingartist.com - allowed for public use)