Awful Fabulous Opening Sentences

Hello Gnomeslayers of the world!  Today we add a new feature to our blog, titled: "Awful Fabulous". It will appear occasionally and unpredictably when I, or the other two, or all three of us, are sleeping off a Little Debbie's-filled weekend and are too tired to write anything else. Or when we are feeling glib. Today "Awful Fabulous" is my gift to you. Lists of things - you might even call them writing prompts, if you are feeling generous - that you are free to use in your own writing.
You're welcome.


This month's list is called (dun dun dun!):
Awful Fabulous Opening Sentences! Please partake freely.

1. "I knew she was going to dump me when I kissed her and tasted the onions she'd put on her burger at lunch. I'm allergic to onions."
2. "He was the kind of guy who never asked for directions and never got lost. Except when he did. Which was all the time."
3. "She was long and lean and filled my doorway in much the same manner as a long and lean woman would if she were standing there filling it."
4. Eleanor's children were her life. Mostly because she fed off of them regularly.
5. The sun rose in a bloody red smear like when you fall off your bike and road-rash your knee but you're too busy to go in and have your mom put hydrogen peroxide on it, and besides, that stuff stings like heck, and so the blood just runs down your leg and dries there. Like that.
6. "I love you," he said. "I'll love you forever." To which she replied, "And I'll love you forever. Or until after your funeral. Whichever comes first." That's when he knew he should have made her sign the prenup.
7. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. No, it was the best of times. Actually, no it was the worst of times. No wait! The be . . . .the wor  . . . It was the . . . Four score and seven years . . . Call me Ishmae . . . Ernie.
8. He was dead. She knew he was dead because of the way he lay there moaning, "I'm dead! I'm dead!"

There you have it, dear writers. Use at will.

With love,

The Indespensable Gnomeslayers