Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Dear St. Valentine: Shut up.

February challenge: V-Day Horrors

There are certain things you should not say to someone you are romantically involved with-
Please note that sadly, I have uttered each line to a lover.

1-Before I kiss you, I have to ask, do you have herpes?
2-You must have a small . . . ego because you sure do overcompensate.
3- Sorry, Darlin' but you are officially one of those crushes who have been crushed.

My mouth gets me into trouble, which is why I don't celebrate Valentines.
Let's see, worst gift ever? A relish serving tray from 1978. Seriously, I wasn't even born when this gift was made. Plus, the gift was stolen from the miserable meathead's mother.
Why put up with this horrid gift? Three words, animalistic makeout sessions.

Best Valentine's gift ever would have to be from my dearest devilish dude-Sorry, ladies, he's gay. Every year, Jameses buys and frames a printed portrait for me to inspire my writing, or so he says.

Here's hoping everyone has a gaggingly perfect February. And if not, I have serving tray you can re gift. C'mon, I know you want it.


Janiel Miller said...

Hah! Hahahaha!
You keep the serving tray. I'll take one of Jameses' paintings. Great friend you have there. Fresh and funny post, Ms. Russo. Love your memories and writing, friend!

jjsundevil said...

Russo you 4got to mention the meatheads N jail
you sure know how to pick em

best v-day gift evrs huh
babygirl i never thought i would met anyone like you

men come and go but your my soulmate

Maegan Langer said...

I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask someone if they have herpes. Who wants herpes, right? Nothing wrong with looking out for yourself ;) I can think of a few former crushes that I'd like to crush.

Robin said...

I wish I'd said a couple of those to some of the guys I went out with.

Along with:....[uh]...

[see, I think and think and I can't come up with really good zingers. I'm kinda channeling Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail right about now...]

scott.densley said...

yo Russo you still got the relish thingy? Brandis would like it.

Janiel Miller said...

So, um, I've been calling you Scott all this time. Is your name really Densley? And your wife is Brandis? And I'm a dork?

Humble apologies to the House of Scott.

scott.densley said...

No your right, janiel. alls good with us.

Russo & my wife call me by my last name. I grew up with Russo. she knew me when I was covered with zits and still talked to me.
Russo, you never answered my question, relish tray or not?

Russo said...

Scott, Scott, Scott, you want the relish tray-its yours. I'm glad it has a happy home. I'll bring it to poker night.

Janiel, you seriously made my day. You are seriously so sweet to write that comment.

Maegan, I am soi looking at things like that-I'm looking out for myself. You rock.

Jameses, you are divine. I adore you.

Robin, I totally smiled, loved You Got Mail and I love your new blog.