Challenge of the Month: Crazy Turkey Day adventure
Most Thanksgivings are filled with food, family and sometimes, fighting. For me, its not a Holiday if the cops aren't called. As my brother says, "We put the fun in dysfunctional."
Let me give you the dirt. A Holiday usually starts with a 10 minute prayer given by my father, who rambles on and on. And just when my eyelids are as heavy as an anvil, my Aunt interrupts him and says, "Oh, just shut up already."
And thus the chaos starts.
I usually plop down in the best seat in the living room-a purple plushy chair near the fire place. I can watch the madness perfectly from my cozy perch as I nibble on my Southern cornbread.
My Uncle, who has one singed eyebrow from deep frying the turkey, carves into the hunk of meat. Okay, normal enough but did I mention he carves the turkey with brand new scissors? Yep, he's on probation and can't use a knife. I smile at his persistence. He knows Thanksgiving is important to my Aunt (his wife) so he focuses on making each slice of meat look beautiful on the plastic red plates.
My other uncle, who is a recovering addict, helps my lil cousin put green olives on his toes. My cousin giggles repeatedly at the frog toes.
All the while, my Aunts and Uncles try to get the other riled up by calling each other majorly dirty words. I mean, words I wouldn't even call my worst enemy.
My Auntie opens a can of beer and burps, while my triplet cousins yammer on and on about some Disney Channel movie. Normal as normal can be until the neighbor-guest begins to pontificate about something that doesn't even matter at the moment, which really riles up my Auntie.
The neighbor and my Auntie get into a heated argument and the neighbor has no idea what tornado he has walked into-Sure, my relatives may seem cruel to other but that's because they are family. They can diss each other but if any outsider disrespects my family, they get eaten alive.
Needless to say, the neighbor gets thrown out of the house, which pissed my dad off. And then all I hear is a slew of cuss words flowing out of the mouth of my Aunts and Uncles. They all combat each other with words as the turkey is passed down a long table.
To me, the madness is calming because underneath all the angst is an understanding-these crazy, dysfunctional relatives would have back in any situation that would scare most people.
Sure, I had a ridiculous upbringing. At age 8, I learned how to pickpocket. When I was a gawky teenager, I could pick a lock with 2 bobby pins. But there has also been goodness, through my dear fam I have also learned how to battle my nasty lil demons. Most importantly, I have learned loyalty, which is the best gift. I'll take the dysfunction any day.